Friday, December 31, 2010

Worst thing Ever: Humbug!

Ah Christmas, that wonderful season when all hearts are drawn toward their fellow man in emulation of their savior. That time of year when giving and charity are in the air... along with some truly horrific music.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Christmas music and always will. Christmas songs have the ability to uplift and inspire, and I have my favorites. The following songs are not among them. These, in no meaningful order, are some of the songs that feed my inner Scrooge...

Santa Baby:

Originally recorded by Eartha Kitt in 1953, and still obnoxious. I realize it's a tongue-in cheek poke at the materialistic and commercial side of Christmas. I get that. I can accept it as piece of satire. Now that we're past that, how's about I never have to listen to it again? It sounds sleazy, kitzchy and dated no matter how many artists cover it.

Jingle Bell Rock:

I'm not even sure I understand this one. It's probably a fun enough song to include in a Christmas party list, but look at the lyrics! Wherever they couldn't find something to say they just included the word jingle, in hopes that people would just twist and shout and move on with their lives. It's like there was a competition to see how many times the writer could shoehorn the word "Jingle" into a song. A better option, if you need your 50's rock Christmas fix, would be "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", which at least has some more intelligent lyrics.

Dominick the Donkey:

Now I had forgotten this one existed, and was quite happy in that ignorance until I heard it at work last week. This is easily one of the worst Christmas songs out there. If you track it down and listen to it (and if you do, you're either a brave soul, a masochist, or have no Christmas spirit left to lose...), wait for the braying donkey solo to hear what I can only describe as an act of terrorism against eardrums.

Baby It's Cold Outside:

Here's another oldie (1944) that hasn't gotten any better. It's not specifically about Christmas, but gets played alongside actual Christmas music. I have heard this song nearly every day, multiple times a day, for the past few weeks, and thank heavens it's New Years and they've taken it off the radio. I can't tell you why people like this one (if in fact they do...). I mean, nothing says, "Merry Christmas, worship the baby Jesus!" like a song about an alcohol-fueled seduction. Right?

Up On the Housetop: (As ruined by hipsters)

Truly though, the worst thing I've heard all year came in the form of a song I liked as a child. "Up On the Housetop" is a pleasant, harmless little song, or at least it was, until it fell into the hands of an outfit with the bewildering name of Pomplamoose. Behold, Christmas-lovers, and despair at this.

Yeah, someone made that. Worse, some company PAID them to make that, in anticipation of using it to attract customers. I suppose the joke really is on the Hyundai dealers, who probably will have no explanation for the absence of business in coming months. Hey Hyundai, want me to buy your cars? You do? OK, well then don't put smug-faced, singing hipster chicks in your commercials. Leave them in art school or the coffeehouse, where they belong.

Well, I feel better now, don't you? I suppose I should talk about some music I actually LIKE, but that will have to wait for another week. merry Christmas everyone, and ahappy new year

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